These Dreams
by Elliesmile
Summary: "We have all loved and lost, Bilbo. These dreams plague the lightest of dreamers whether we want it or not. I would like to inform you that we will think no less of you if you cry"


_**(If anybody would like to take a look at the source for the family connections it's the cover photo for this piece of writing. Lorenna is one of Mirabella's un-named six children and they have been highlighted in yellow. Bilbo Baggins had been highlighted in purple.) **_

Bilbo toddled alongside his father as they wandered across the east side of the shire. He had never been that far away from his home before and he was excited. His late mothers' sister, Mirabella had given birth to the loveliest of baby girls about a year ago and Bilbo was itching to meet his new cousin whom he had not yet met. All of the others were much older than he was and since he was only four, she would be much more likely to want to play with him.

Bungo knocked on the small wooden hobbit door and it opened to a young woman whom Bilbo recognised as his aunt Mirabella opened it, smiling.

"Welcome" she smiled and knelt down to Bilbo "You've grown little man" she smiled and Bilbo puffed out his chest in pride

"Dad said I'm nearly bigger than him!" Bilbo shrieked excitedly and Mirabella had to contain herself from laughing as Bilbo barely reached his father's knees.

"Well" she smiled "In that case you've got to be careful with my darling little Lorenna. She's ever so small and quite a sour child if you ask me. Cries at everyone who tries to pick her up"

Bilbo nodded and bolted into the house. There were all of his cousins smiling at him as he wandered in. They may have been unwilling to play with him but Bilbo missed his cousins terribly and loved seeing them.

They were all sat in a circle around the fireplace playing board games and cards and making little wooden figurines. Bilbo looked over at the little crib in the corner.

"Would you like to meet her?" Mirabella asked him and Bilbo nodded as she led him over to the small childs bed. It was white and lacy and decorated with little pink ribbons. There were toys and blankets draped around a small child, so tiny that she could easily have been mistaken as a doll

"This is Lorenna" Mirabella smiled and Bilbo squinted at the tiny 1 year old.

"She's very pretty" Bilbo smiled and watched as the baby's eyes fluttered open

The oldest of Bilbo's cousins, Primula looked over in horror "If she wakes up she'll cry the whole house down. She hasn't stopped wailing since the day she was born"

And true to Primula's words, little Lorenna did, in fact begin to wail. She cried so hard her little cheeks turned a bright shade of cherry and her nose went very pink. Her deep blue eyes clouded with tears and they spilled over her ivory face

The whole family walked away from the cot, having realised that the only way that Lorenna had stopped crying in the past was when she had been left alone

But Bilbo didn't want to leave his little cousin. She was frightened and confused and her little eyes seemed so sorrowful that before he knew what he was doing, Bilbo had scooped the baby out of her cot and was cradling her

"Shush baby" he smiled and wiped a tear away from her face with his thumb "Shush. I'm your cousin and as long as I'm around you don't need to cry ever again"

Lorenna abruptly stopped crying and blinked rapidly. Her face screwed up in confusion but her tears stopped. She began to snuffle wildly as her little nose ran

Bilbo tutted at her, something his mother used to do to him all the time "That's not good" he whispered to her "If your nose runs you'll be a messy baby. Messy babies aren't pretty babies"

He scampered over to his aunt who was gasping in amazement before he pulled her hanker chief away from her sleeve and began using it to blot Lorennas nose

He plonked the baby on the floor and Lorenna blinked rapidly before letting out a high pitched giggle that made the whole family smile and whisper between themselves

Bilbo sat next to the baby and proceeded to try to teach her clapping games. Unfortunately, babies don't really know or understand any use for rhythm so Lorenna was limited to whacking her hands together enthusiastically for the rest of the evening

It was dark and finally time for Bilbo and his father to leave

"You must come again soon" Mirabella smiled "Lorenna will miss you. Bilbo"

Bilbo nodded and followed his father down the dark country lane.

Glancing back at the house, he found Primula holding little baby Lorenna up to the window, shaking the baby's arms in such a way it made it look as if she were waving after him. Bilbo laughed and waved back, knowing he'd go to visit Lorenna soon

-XXX-

Sadly it was, in fact, 6 years before Bilbo actually went back to their house. It was a summery day and it was early in the afternoon when he was called on by Primula.

"Bilbo" she smiled giving him a quick friendly hug. "It's been such a long time"

Bilbo nodded and foggy memories of another hobbit hole with his estranged cousins flitted back into his mind "You're right Prima" he smiled, remembering her nickname

"I thought I'd call on you" she smiled "The old Hobbits next door to us, do you remember them? Well, they've moved to the other side of the shire and we brought the house a few months back. We knocked through the hill and now the houses are connected, they're both ours!"

"Goodness" 10 year old Bilbo gasped "Your house must be enormous now!"

Primula smiled "It's nearly as big as Bag End!" she exclaimed, gesturing to Bilbo's house "Anyway, we thought you'd like to come to our party, to celebrate finally having enough rooms to fit us all in!"

Bilbo laughed "I would like to see my cousins again. The twins; Jared and Jonah and Lacey and Rodro, gosh I haven't seen them in ages!"

Prima's face fell "What about Lorenna?"

Bilbo blinked "Who?"

"Little Lorrie?" Prima gasped "Oh, Bilbo, you can't have forgotten. It'll break her heart!"

But Bilbo honestly did not remember Lorenna. He did try but he'd never heard the name before

"She remembers you" Prima smiled warmly "She was only 1 but she remembers you. Have you really forgotten her? That time you sat on the rug and taught her to clap? Her first laugh? You sat with her and carved a tiny little wooden doll for her. Why, she still has it by her bedside!"

Bilbo genuinely couldn't recall anybody named Lorenna. Surely he'd remember

"Dad, I'm going to my cousins' house" he called back into the hallway and the echo of his dads voice fluttered back telling him to be back by the time other guests were beginning to leave

Bilbo wandered alongside the narrow path with Prima although the rest of the journey was silent as Bilbo recalled walking down the same path at about knee height, knocking at a big yellow door and being greeted by his Aunt. But no memories of a Lorenna broke through the fog of his mind, as hard as he tried

The walk to seemed to take almost no time at all although Bilbo knew it would have taken at least an hour, had Prima not shown him the shortcut through the meadow

It was getting dark as they walked. The sky had turned a dusky purple colour and the stars were settling on the horizon as thin wisps of sunset orange clouds hung around them like blankets in the slowly rising moonlight.

The small green picket fence that surrounded that house had been strung with lanterns and tables and gazebos had been placed on the large lawn. Many other Hobbits were mingling in the dim but warming light and the door to the hobbit hole was wide open, revealing even more families inside.

"Good gracious!" Bilbo exclaimed "There must be at least 50 people here!"

Prima laughed "Come on!" she smiled "Let's go find Lorrie. She's been waiting for me to bring you back"

He followed his cousin through the strings and groups of other Hobbits as they shuffled politely around the garden and in the light coming through the windows of the house.

Around the back of the house there were at least 20 hobbit children playing in the dirt and most of their dresses and miniature party waistcoats had been spoiled by the dust, except for the one child who was sat on a small rope swing that was hanging from a huge oak tree. He dress was clean white with a little pink bow at the side

Bilbo stopped. The lacy colours reminded him of a foggy memory and he closed his eyes. He could see his cousins' house in front of him but the edges of his vision were misty. There were blurred figures around him and there was the sound of a baby crying. Small hands, his own hands reached towards the baby and pulled her out of a lacy pink and white crib. Her little face was pink but shockingly clear. Whilst the other things around him blurred more, the baby Bilbo was holding now stood out clearly as he heard her giggle

"Lorenna?" Bilbo asked to himself and the girl on the swing glanced up towards him

She stood up and wandered over "Yes?" she asked

"You're Lorenna?" he asked shyly glancing the 7 year old up and down

She nodded and squinted at him "Bilbo?" she asked and a bright warm smile erupted from her face. She flung her arms around his shoulders and gave him a strong squeeze "I haven't seen you in years!"

Bilbo gave her an awkward hug back, her dark curly hair tickling his nose lightly, making him want to sneeze

She let go of him quickly before gazing at his face "Is something the matter?" she asked shyly

Bilbo shook his head "Everything is fine" he smiled

And it was. He remembered everything now. Every single time he had looked into her dark blue eyes as they flickered in the firelight, every single time he had laughed as she clapped to the wrong beat, every time he took her hands to try to convince her to toddle. He remembered it all

Slowly she reached into the pockets of her dress and pulled out a worn old wooden doll with drawn on eyes and a towel dress.

"Do…do you remember?" Lorenna asked handing him the doll

Bilbo smiled and pressed the doll firmly back into her hands "Yes" he grinned "I remember"

-XXX-

Bilbo heard the knock at the door and immediately knew who it was. It was their special knock. Only he and Lorenna knew it.

He dashed to the door, calling back to his father that Lorrie was here. He swung open the big green door excitedly

"Happy 13th birthday Bilbo!" she yelled loudly, a basket of honey-glazed seed cake hanging at the crook of her elbow. "These are for you"

"Thank you Lorrie" he smiled and pulled her inside.

They sat down at the table with a flagon of pressed apple juice at their sides before they began to talk about what they had missed out on in the past 3 weeks since they had been apart.

Lorennas regular visits always went like this. They'd have a few hours of talking before running through the fields at the back of the house like hooligans. People would mutter about them.

'Typical Tooks'

'His father shouldn't encourage it'

'It's terrible. They're too old to be mucking about in the dirt'

But they really didn't care. Best friends never did. Why should they?

The other boys Bilbo's age called him a pansy for playing with a girl. Whilst they were out wrestling, Bilbo and Lorenna would be hanging upside down from the highest bough of the tallest tree in Hobbiton.

The other girls Lorennas age called her a ruffian for playing with a boy. Whilst they were combing their dolls' hair, Lorenna and Bilbo would be making daisy chains and hanging them from one another's heads.

"Don't they look happy?" Mirabella asked Bilbo's father, Bungo. "They do enjoy one another's' company"

Bungo nodded "It'll be a shame when he becomes a teenager and she gets left behind"

Mirabella simply shook her head "Bilbo is a kind soul. He would do no such thing"

Bungo smiled and nodded "I suppose you are correct"

He was sat on the bench outside Bag End with his sister in law, watching his son and his niece run across the fields, playing an imaginary game they had made up.

"I wish his mother were here" He confided, turning to Mirabella

She smiled and patted his back "We all miss Belladonna" she smiled "But our family, we persevere. We Tooks laugh in the face of death and the Bagginses are known for their stiff upper lip. We'll all be whole again one day soon…"

-XXX-

Bilbo sat in his father's chair. The fire slowly crackled and spat as it fizzled out. He had forgotten to put it out again last night and between the sobs and the angry screaming he had been too tired to do anything other than fall back into the soft chair and pass out.

It was dawn; a new beginning for new life. But that wasn't right because his father was gone and he had no one to enjoy the new day with.

The funeral had been yesterday. It had rained. A long, cold heavy rain that turned the dirt on the coffin into mud and eventually, the grieving family left Bilbo to sob by the graveside alone.

He was only 16. That was too young to be alone, too young for anyone to be alone.

It just wasn't fair

-XXX-

Lorenna called back into the house

"I'm going to visit Bilbo" she called "He hasn't been feeding himself properly and I ought to take something for him"

Mirabella nodded at her beautiful 13 year old daughter and waved as she left. She would make Bilbo whole again. However long it took…

Lorrie strolled down the path. It had already begun to get dark and although she wanted to turn around in fear, she knew Bilbo was more important than her own silly phobias.

Just as she neared the house she saw a figure strolling down the hill and away from the house. She'd recognise the strawberry curls and elasticated suspenders anywhere.

"BILBO!" she called and ran after him, the basket of cake bouncing on her arm "Wait for me"

When she finally caught up with him he was sat at the side of the fast flowing river, gazing into the twilight pool. He had tears streaming down his face and he had lost a drastic amount of weight.

"Oh Bilbo" she whimpered and crouched next to him, pulling him into a side hug and trying to comb back his messy hair from his face

"Why did they leave me, Lorenna?" he sobbed "My Mother and Father left me alone!"

She shook her head and wiped away the tears with her thumb "Your parents love you Bilbo. They always have and always will love you, wherever they are"

He shoved her backwards harshly "You're lying!" he screamed and stood up "If they loved me they wouldn't have left me alone"

"You're not alone Bilbo" Lorenna cried, picking herself up off the floor and trying to clutch hold of the lapel of his jacket "You have me. I'll always be here"

"You didn't even come to the funeral" he screeched, shoving her away and storming off "You weren't there when I needed you"

Lorenna was close to tears herself at being treated so harshly but soldiered on "I wasn't allowed Bilbo. I'm too young to attend a funeral"

He said nothing and jumped onto the widely spaced stepping stones that crossed the deep river. He leapt across nimbly and sprinted off back towards Hobbiton

"Bilbo, wait!" Lorenna cried "I…I can't jump across"

She was right. For there were only three slimy, slippery stoned wedged into the river bed and they had at least a metre between each one. Her long dress wouldn't allow her legs to jump that far

"Please Bilbo!" she screamed as the last ray of light disappeared under the hilltops in the distance.

She didn't have time to think. Bilbo needed her whether he knew it or not and there was no time to chicken out. The river was deep and fast flowing. Three generations ago the triplets from Bogmoore were drowned after they tried to jump over these very stones and slipped on the slimy surface.

Lorenna would have to tread carefully. Taking a deep breath she put her first foot forwards

And Lorenna jumped…

-XXX-

"Lorenna?" her mother called desperately as the whole population of Hobbiton searched through the woodlands at the edge of the community

"Lorrie?" Bilbo called into the woodlands

"Why, Bilbo?" Mirabella sobbed "Why did you leave her alone? She's wandering around there alone in those horrible murky woodlands, probably scared to death"

He had no words. He didn't know why he did it, he just did

"I'm sorry" he mumbled, but not quite to his aunt who had dashed off to where an old farmer had found her basket in the undergrowth

Suddenly Bilbo had a sickly feeling hit the bottom of his stomach. The last place he had seen her was at the river edge. She had been preparing to jump…

Bilbo dashed across the open fields, towards the place he knew any…floating debris ended up. There was a tide pool that swirled and grouped together anything that had fallen into that deep channel by the stones. You could find anything there. Driftwood, duckweed, lost items of clothing…

"Maybe even little Hobbit girls…" Bilbo thought to himself and the thought made him dash faster.

He reached the thin line of trees that sat at the edge of the muddy river.

His eyes scanned the bank frantically, looking for any sign that she had been here. His eyes fell on a small, mud covered lump at the base of a tree and he felt bile rise in his throat.

There she was, lying on her back in the mud at the edge of the water. Her hair was no longer glossy and beautiful, it was dull and lifeless and her deep blue eyes had clouded over. Her cream dress was covered in mud and muck where she had been washed ashore and her mouth had filthy water trickling down the side

Bilbo took hold of her and tried to pull her up but she was stuck in the grime. He propped up her upper body and really wished her hadn't because, this way, he could tell exactly what had happened to her.

There were marks underneath where she had been lying where she had clawed her way up onto the bank, dragging her legs behind her. There was muddy handprint on the oak tree where she had tried, in vain, to pull herself up. There were bubbles in the mud where she had fallen flat on her face and had tried to take a deep breath to call out for help. Lastly, there were marks where she had, as her last successful act, flipped herself over to try to dislodge the mud in her lungs. She had indeed turned herself onto her back, but it was too late.

Bilbo gave a sob as he tried to yank her out of the mud, her arm falling limp to her side and her eyes staring blankly ahead

"I'm sorry, Lorrie" he screamed as the sound more people arriving to help could be heard just metres away "Please don't die. Please!"

There were screams and gasps of 'Take the children away' and 'don't let them see' above him as Hobbits arrived on the bank

He found himself being pulled by the elbows away from her as he kicked and screamed. She was being lifted out of the mud by a pair of arms and Bilbo was restrained as he begged her to come back. He became desperate, yelling and screaming for them to let him go

"Lorenna!" he screeched "Don't leave me!"

-XXX-

"Lorenna!" Bilbo cried "Don't leave me!"

Bilbo sat bolt upright, panting and breathing heavily. The dwarves were around him, some shushing him soothingly whilst others stared at him in confusion

"Lorenna?" he looked around the cavern where they had set up camp, wanting her to be sat in the corner laughing with her wooden doll "Please…no!"

He didn't want to go through it again, having to tell himself every morning that she was gone. She wasn't coming back.

"No…" he whispered and looked up into the faces of the dwarves who all sat in silence

"Burglar?" Thorin asked as quietly as he could "Go back to sleep"

"No" Bilbo stated "I have to stay awake for her. I need to wait for her…"

"Your Lorenna?" he asked "She's gone, Bilbo"

Bilbo blinked "How did you know…?" he began to ask

He looked around at the company "We have all loved and lost, Bilbo. These dreams plague the lightest of dreamers whether we want it or not. I would like to inform you that we will think no less of you if you cry"

Bilbo nodded, finally letting hot tears spill down his face

"Lorenna…" he whispered into the dark as Thorin blew out the lit torch

He could have sworn he felt a warm hand wipe them away from his cheek and a small voice muttered into his ear

"You're not alone Bilbo. You have me. I'll always be here…"


End file.
